Monday, May 18, 2009

Ways that a leader can show others he cares about them.

My Friend Rhett asked my thoughts on this topic. He was only looking for 10 but i enjoyed it so much that i kept going and this is what i came up with. It's long, but i hope it is helpful to some.

2 Ways that Love affects People:

1. People Want to be Known- This is where God can be so incredible if the scriptures are fully understood(Psalm 139:11-18; Romans 8:26-27) People desire for others to truly know them. To understand them and how they came to be: their life, background, where they come from, memories, etc.
2. Show that you are a Lover before a Judge- “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Prov. 27:5-6). Much like Jesus(John 3:16-17), if people know that our first concern is to love and help them as a person and not to judge or look down on them, people will open up. People are constantly testing others with there comments to see how others will react and whether it is worth the risk of being truly open with potentially embarrassing, ostracizing, and vulnerable information. Your reaction will determine whether they are more closed or open the next time(1 Peter 3:15-16). In reality…
3. Most People Just Want To be Truly understood or heard- I believe that the majority of conflicts can be resolved without having to completely think the same thing. People are not always wanting everyone to have the same beliefs, they just want their side to be truly heard and understood. If someone feels that you know them and understand what they are saying, the trust and impact level is much deeper. This is why it is important to…
4. Be Interested and excited about the person and what they have to say- A person is going to be 10 times more likely to share something with you if they know you care about them. This is a big reason why it is important to be known by the other person, to be an encourager, and to be a good receiver. It is great to know about the topic someone is telling you about, but even if you just care about the person and know nothing about the topic you still have more of an ability to care and get excited.
5. Everyone needs an Essential Role- Everyone wants to know that they are needed, and that their input matters. They want to know that they have a unique role to fill and that there is a significant purpose for them being here. Simply by God creating that person and allowing them to wake up today should be a sufficient enough reason that there is a specific purpose for why they are still alive on this earth, but the world is becoming agnostic.
6. Instill or Show Value- People have trouble seeing victories or the good. You could even say they are blind to it. Intentional people who analyze life add value to the small things. They will be more likely to notice and recognize the small answers to prayer. They will notice the small victories in one’s life and note how significant that it. My common practice is when someone tells me about a “small” important change in their life to say, “that’s huge!” and to continue to tell them why. People need help to see the significance of decisions. To instill the meaning into certain situations that would evade the common eye. This is Insight.

7. Be Real- people know if you are faking care. Some people want cordialities, but most people would rather you to be honest. Share struggles to be opened up to and deepen relationships. But don’t try and use these tips below unless you really care about the person. If all you care about is getting what you want, then using these tips is more manipulation than caring.
8. Be Selfless and Don’t Manipulate- The best way you can love someone else is to love them just as much if not more than yourself (Phil 2:3-4; Luke 10:27). A person will trust you almost every time if they believe you truly have their best interests at heart. If all you care about is getting what you want, you are flirting with manipulation.
9. Get Embarrassed- Sacrifice your Comforts- A great way to know you are caring others is if you get embarrassed trying to help them. It means you are going out of your way and sacrificing your personal interests for the sake of making someone else feel accepted or comfortable. An example of this would be going up to the new guy at a party and engaging in a conversation that could be awkward (because you know you have been there before and how much you wished someone would’ve done that for you) or sticking up for including someone else who is socially awkward at the expense of others complaining to you or ridiculing you. This is a good way to be almost certain that you are not being selfish or manipulative.
10. Be a Good news sharer- This is essentially what Christians are since the gospel means “good news,” but there are not enough people who pass on good news in this world. They say it takes something like 7 positive comments to reverse or equate the impact of one negative comment. People appreciate other who build up their self-esteem and give them hope and encouragement(Ephesians 4:29; Philippians 4:8).
11. Be a Good receiver- Appreciative people are fun to buy for because they make you feel good. They love you by showing you what it means to them by their reaction. Your positive reaction shows others their impact on you and makes others know they did something good. This reaffirms and encourages them to do it again. An easy action step is to learn how to say “Thank You” and to express your appreciation in a non-awkward manner.
12. Remember & Notice Details- A name is the first step towards a personal friendship. Knowing that a person is truly praying for you or thought about or who has gone the extra mile and out of their way to help you is BIG. This could be a small letter in the mail or a thoughtful gift or noticing something that person has done from changing their hair to reversing their life around. In the same way, Being a good receiver (#8) of people who do this for you is Huge as well.
13. Help them Grow/Progress/Become a Better Person- Everyone like progress and has something they would like to improve. Also, everyone likes to learn or talk about themselves on some level. By equipping and helping someone to improve from where they are, you are showing them that you care about their wellbeing. I believe restlessness and an unsatisfiable emptiness are the curse of sin. I also believe God intentionally created us with the capacity to grow because it pleases him. So I believe this desire and need will always be there.
14. People appreciate a shared vision/purpose- People truly appreciate a person that helps them find a common passion and people who they can share and work with. It gives them a purpose to work towards, people who they know care about the same thing, and they don’t have to do it alone. You are essentially creating teams/community.
15. Work alongside others, not over them- When people know that you are competent, capable, willing, and excited to lead, but they also see that you are not “Too good” or “Too busy” to get down in the trenches with them, they will appreciate you.
16. Simply Acknowledge Someone’s Significance- Simply telling someone why they matter to you or to the team’s success helps to fill the need for Significance(#4)
17. Go out of your way for someone- Go the extra mile. It can be small or big. It can be a rose for your mom. It can be you typing out your thoughts to a friend in a letter. It can be taking someone out for coffee who needs a friend. It could be a present from the 2 dollar store.
18. Understood expectations & Boundaries- Boundaries show you care and allow you to do so the most appropriately. Without proper boundaries being set you run the risk of being misunderstood. You could be trying your best to love someone but if they have unrealistic or selfish expectations of how much time you should give them you will most likely never be able to show them how much you care. Often people think arguments revolve around problems with the other persons, but often times they are not a directly personal conflict. It is proposed that the vast majority of problems would be solved by the time you got to interpersonal relationships if someone were to filter their problems chronologically through the GRPI Model:
i. Goals (Differing goals)
ii. Roles (Differing views on responsibility)
iii. Procedures (
iv. Interpersonal Relationships

19. Be as approachable as possible- Work to make yourself availability where you realistically can. An expressed willingness to help, desire to help, and availability to help says a lot about you caring.
20. Loyalty- A long-term or more permanent presence says that you care more in that person than a one stop investment, “Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?” (Proverbs 20:6; 17:17)
21. Having TIME for people- time is the biggest commodity. Unlike money, time is the only thing “that once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.”-Henry Mackay If people understand how much you value time, they will deeply appreciate the time you give them.
22. Fulfill their Needs: Fulfill a person’s needs and they will love you for it. First this is found in God and that is why we ultimately want to introduce them to Him to find true Acceptance and Help. After that this could be: speaking to them in their love languages or maybe helping them fulfill an inner purpose. Wild at Heart says that every man has: 1) an adventure to live 2) a battle to fight and 3) a beauty to rescue. The woman’s are conversely 1) an adventure to share 2) to be fought for and 3) a beauty to unveil. If you help a man or woman in one of these areas I am sure they will see you care.


Rhett said...

It so funny that you couldn't stop at 10 and I was struggling to get to 10! And now you've put this online so I can't copy you word for word ;-).

Isn't it funny how God has wired us. Now you I can undertstand Him using!

B said...

haha. Well let me know if you want me to take it offline until after your assingment! :) It is cool to see different people work in their strengths. I don't know it all, but i know God has wired me to enjoy interacting and caring about others! thanks for the encouragement.

Anonymous said...

Very insightful. I think this falls under the category of "wisdom beyond your years." You'd like the book: YOU DON'T NEED A TITLE TO BE A LEADER by Mark Sanborn.

Now go out there and apply your principles to those who serve under you.

Paul Hancy

About Brandon said...

Incredible, B! Great stuff. Sounds like an outline for a book with lots of shorter chapters. I'd buy a copy.

Miss you a lot man! But I'm really proud of you stepping out in faith.

Later on,


Keith Drury said...

Boy-- a lot of wisdom from someone less than 60!!! ;-)

good thoughts!

Heidi said...

very inspiring.
thanks bud.

you write a book...and i'll draw the illustrations...

who am i kidding...
i'll write one too...a children's book :)

Charissa said...

Great thoughts friend! There is a lot of depth and insight to what you shared. Another way I feel that a leader can "indirectly" show others that he cares about them is to manage/balance his or her time wisely. I think it can be so easy (esp. for us extroverts)to always be spending time with people, and to over-commit to things rather than wisely and prayerfully choosing the things we should invest in. By doing this, we can become burnt out and not as effectively love/serve those around us. I also think that a good, godly leader makes time alone with the Lord a priority, allowing him/her to better love and pour into others (see John 15: 1-13).

Keep making a difference in NZ for HIM!

BJ said...

What is amazing to me is not the list itself nor the things on it. I definitely learned some things from it and was also pleasantly surprised at how I would score myself. What was truly amazing to me though is that you could write the list - I recall Hybels calling it "teachable point of view" - the ability for a leader to distil the heart of their leadership in a form that others can access. Now things like temperament and gifts will always play into how much and to what depth some of these things can be appropriated. But in stating them like this, even a heartless non people person could fake it :)