Saturday, May 26, 2007

Passion Pent Up

Below is a journal insert where i have been assessing my life. i do not necessarily agree or disagree with everything i have done as i am more evaluating my present status rather than saying everything below is natural, desirable, etc.

I am always trying to find that place of contentment. That place where you find a grounds where you are happy with where you are at. Where you feel in control of your life or at least truly trust the one who is in control of my life. I have found myself working hard to live a "fun" life. The things i enjoy, the things i am working hard and investing towards are a trip to australia and luxuries of giving to friends and those in my realm of influence. My time has been given towards work, enjoyment on the side, alone time as an escape, sleep, and limited family time. My money has gone towards living costs, my mess ups, and covering myself for the future. My attention has been focused on the immediate although i soak in knowledge in hopes of using it in the future. Slipping through the cracks are the little details of planning for the future and just going through a day making sure to cover my daily necessities for fulfillment! It is funny. I still haven't found life as to what i think it is. I had a moment in the car yesterday where i said to myself, "is this it? Is this the life i am working towards?" I don't know what i want it to work towards or claim to be on a path where i will truly be fulfilled. I so desire and have desired to be active in sport and outdoors and to solely be able to focus on people my age! I have yet to learn the boundaries of focusing on my calling, strengths, and responsibility while not overlooking my the other good without putting it on the same level. There is a tension between my calling and the bigger goals and my everyday life priorities of loving and helping others through the way i live my life. I am scared to come back to NZ. I don't know how the money and logistics will work out. I will work on it, but Lord, I give that into your hands. I also give where you want to use and guide me. Honestly i would love to take on a challenge. Run across the US, travel, etc., but what i desire more than that is a dream and challenge that i can dedicate myself to that has a physical and tangible plan that i am sold on and stoked to pursue in the future! I find myself throughout the week being overwhelmed with passion... Passion to see the church become more lively and purposeful and full of life... Passion to find a life that i can wake up and tell you why i am happy to be alive today... Passion to help people, love them, be there for them, and equip them to change for the better and stay on track towards growing in life and the Lord.... Passion to help people find a place where they can just let out there pent up tension and feelings... A place where people can just sit around and dream together.... Passion to find a place where i can literally "waste" time hanging out with people i enjoy, while moving each other forward through conversation. I find myself being overwhelm with emotion to just make things happen. To cry out and want to see the ShoreGrace to come alive. To cry out and make sure that the church of ShoreGrace and New Zealand is covered and bathed in prayer! I yearn to be at a consistent place where i get up and remember to pray and read to start off my day and keep it within perspective!!! Every time i sit down to write...

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